EP 1: "Racoons in a Crockpot"

We're kicking things off at the very beginning — senior week, Myrtle Beach, 2004. I was fresh out of high school, full of choices waiting to age like milk, and about to lose my virginity in the most... let's say unromantic way possible.

It's equal parts awkward, hilarious, and slightly mortifying.. but hey, that's the vibe. From here on out, we're going chronologically through the chaos, tangent at a time. 

The Unhinged Ginge is my unfiltered memoir in podcast form, just stories. The laughter is loud, the hindsight is still nursing a hangover, and the details are... as accurate as memory allows.

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Transcript

0:00

Alright. Hi, I'm Beaux and this is the first episode of the Unhinged Ginge. Let me get recording on this guy too. Almost forgot a step. we are gonna kick this storytelling. off with, how I lost my virginity back in 2004 after I graduated high school.'cause I was a lady. I was, was being the operative word. Um, so. Let's roll back. 2004, just graduated high school. We are headed down to Myrtle Beach, uh, for the week, for a senior week, beach week. It is kind of a tradition, on the East Coast at least it was, I don't know if it is anymore. Um, what you do after graduation, everybody goes down there for a week, has a big fucking party. Um, you know, we all pretend we're adults. It's cute. So I went with four of my. Like, not close friends, but just like friends. I was one of those people in high school. I bounced around from group to group. I didn't really have a set, unit of people as much. I kind of just got along well with everybody. So I went my own, went down with these four girls. so there was five of us in this hotel room. So it was two of us to a bed and then one person on the floor and we would rotate who had to sleep on the floor. So we're on our way down there and everyone's kind of like guessing or taking bets, but not bets. You know what I'm talking about. as to who was going to. Uh, like who, who, the first person who was gonna have sex on this trip was Right. And I'm going down there with girls who had absolutely been doing their thing. they had their boyfriends, they had their, whatever. They were fucking, I was not fucking, but I was an avid Cosmo reader. So I really thought that I knew a lot more than, I actually did but yeah, you, you. We don't train for these things. You can't read a book and know what you're doing. We'll get to that in a few. So anyway, we go down there. We're staying in this hotel called the Sand Castle, of course. And, we're out, we're partying. It's the beach. We're having a good time. Everything is fun. Everything's cool. So we go to the bars and the clubs and the whatever. And I was just in true Beaux fashion. Ended up just being by myself for whatever reason. I'm on my way back to the resort. It's not even that late at this point, but I was just hammered and I was over it. So I'm on my way back and I met this really handsome man on the walk home. I was about two blocks from my resort when I bumped into this guy and he started chatting me up and keep in mind, it's not a surprise. I made it out of high school, a virgin. I was chubby and funny and awkward and just, no, they weren't going for it. You know what I mean? Like people went like, no one was dropping their trousers or panties for me. You know what I'm saying? So when this guy started chatting me up on the way home, I was like, oh, smell you, Nancy Drew. Look at this. Let's go. So we started talking. He walked me back to the resort, and that only took about two blocks to get there. And so then I guess, he fucked me in the stairwell, and that's how I lost my virginity. I just grin like, like, you know, grin and bear it gr gr grind your teeth. Grit your teeth. Gr mm-hmm. I'm not really, whatever. Whatever. I just. Beared down and dealt with it because he was a blessed man and I was not prepared. I was not prepared at all. So I, proceeded to take him back up to my hotel room because I figured the girls have to still be gone. Right. They have to still be gone. It's early in my head. It was early, but I opened the door and they're not gone. They're all there. They're all in the room and they're all asleep. And I'm like, shit, you have to be kidding me. Seriously. Okay, fine. You know what? I'm not, but I will not stop. I am on a mission. I am going to like fi I'm, I'm a fuck, I'm a fuck. And I'm gonna figure it out because I'm about to go to college and I need to know what the fuck I'm doing. So it happens to be my turn on the floor. And so we proceed to hook up again on the floor and then I'm like, shh. No, we have to be quiet. The girls are sleeping, they're gonna wake up. It's gonna be fucking awkward. It's like the first time I've ever had sex. Not that he knows this, but I'm like, in my head, I'm like, it's the first time I've ever had sex and now I'm about to have sex in public again. Like, what's wrong with me? So when we're on the floor, we do it again. And then I'm like, no, we gotta like, let's go into the bathroom. Because for whatever reason I thought that if we went to the bathroom, it would, you know, muffle the sound with this tiny plywood fucking door would muffle the sound for, a bed that's like four feet away from the door. Like, of course, why not? Right? So stupid. So we're in the bathroom and we're doing it again. We're in the shower. We're on top of, we're like on the floor, we're on the sink. And I am just feeling like the best version of myself because this is like, yeah, this is how you lose it.'cause I was never one of those people who attached sex and and emotions. That wasn't something that I thought was. important For me, it was more so just something that needed to be, like, to get out of the way. And so the more fucking chaotic it was, the better it was going to be for future sexual me. So any who we're, we're fucking in the bathroom. And at this point I'm on the sink and he's like. He gives me this look and then drops his head. I'm like, oh my God, this dude's about to go down on me. No one's ever done that before either. This is crazy. So I'm like, on the sink right and I'm just ahh. I'm like his, and I look down, I look down at his face, and at this point I'm trying everything I can, it is taking everything in my power to not laugh because when I look down. And I see his face in my crotch. My, my bush has now made this ridiculous ginger mustache, and I'm like, my God, this is where the term mustache rides came from. Now I get it. I always thought that it was the dude. Having a mustache and you're like riding his face. And that was the mustache ride. But actually it's your pubes that make the mustache. Turns out I was wrong. That's not it, it is the guy having a mustache. But until I was close to 30, I was certain that that was why it was called that. And tried to convince multiple people in my life that that's the reason why it was called that was because, no, dude, it's a bush-stache. It's your, it's your pubes making that face. But I digress. anyway, so. We bang in, we do the thing. I find out what a mustache ride is. That was super fun. I then kick him out and of course, because I'm sleeping on the floor, I'm not gonna have the girls wake up and like see me with this random dude on the floor. I'm trying to be stealthy and even though I'm so not being fucking stealthy,'cause I'm having sex all over this fucking room with these girls sleeping in it. So I kick him out. I wake up the next day. I brought a blender with me because that's how I roll, and I was waiting for them to wake up so that I could make my pitcher of margaritas to start my day. So in the meantime, I'm just out on the porch or the balcony or whatever the fuck of the hotel, and I'm smoking a blunt. I'm drinking a beer. Um, I took like a two three hour power nap. I finally had sex. I am feeling like a rock star. And the girls were all kind of like, they were all guessing. Who was gonna have sex first on this trip? And no one was guessing me. Also, nobody knew that I was a virgin at that point because I didn't think it was anybody's business to like talk about it or tell anybody about it. So I just kind of went with it and, um, oh, sorry, my alarm's going off. Okay. So I just kind of went with it and, my friend Val wakes up and she's like. Did you have sex in the bathroom last night? And I'm like, Maybe like, she was just like, girl, it's sounded like two raccoons were trying to fuck in a crockpot. What the hell was going on in there? And I'm like, oh shit. You know? But just doing me, nobody had money on me being the first one to do that.'cause like I said, fat funny kid, never had a boyfriend. No one's paying attention to me. Went to prom with a gay boy like that was, that's. That's who I am. Um, and I didn't know he was gay. Everyone told me that's a different story for a different time. but yeah, so I'm feeling like a rock star. That's the point. I'm feeling like a rock star. I finally fucked. I got the thing I, so I'm like, okay, cool. Fast forward. It's like two days later. And I end up hooking up with one of my friend's friends.'cause I had some, guy friends who had graduated the year before that came down for senior week round two, I guess, because they're fucking scoundrels and they just wanted to, you know, go party and hook up.'cause that's what you do when you're young. Or in my case also when you're old, they all wanted to, uh, do their thing. So, I ended up hooking up with one of their friends who they had met in college that I had not met before. I don't, I, I. I don't know that motherfucker's name. but Bubba, yeah, Bubba. Bubba walked in on that one. So I guess I just kind of like, started the game with, um, not really giving a shit if I was doing it in public. I'm just now realizing that good for me. So anyway, when we had left and. I had now hooked up with two people. I went from no people to two people, and we had left, beach week and went back to Virginia where we lived and just to, you know, finish out the summer, do whatever. And I worked with a guy, that everybody thought was super hot. I was working at Little Caesars. It was, you know, that first gig you get when you're in high school, excuse me. And, He was super cute and everyone was like, oh man, he's so hot. Totally wanna hook up with him, blah, blah, blah. And I left with a zero confidence, but I came back with all the confidence in the world. So I was like, oh yeah, but give me a week. I bet. And I bet this chick I worked with, I think her name was Felicia or something like that. I bet her 20 bucks that I could sleep with that dude in a week. And she's like, oh yeah, absolutely not. There's no way. And I totally did. I totally did. And then he ended up being, my fuck buddy. Hadn't had one of those before. He ended up being my fuck buddy all summer, which was nice. And that was when I learned that I have a magic vagina. But that's also a different story for a different time. Um, bless her. Bless her. Any who? So I hooked up with Philip. I think that was his name. I'm not really sure. I think that No, that was, that was his name. That was his name. I will stand by it. So I hooked up with them for a lot that summer and oh, that was the, like, I, found out how difficult it is to do it in the front of the truck. At that point, that gear shift was a whole vibe and several bruises. But I did, I went to some party, hooked up with some people, so I just hit the ground running and I went from zero to six for a body count that summer. by the time I got to college, man, you could not stop me. I felt fresh as hell. Still didn't know. What it was like for someone to, you know, like you, like you.'cause I still at that point had never had a boyfriend, but you know, you don't need one of those if you're just trying to have a good time. So after that, I went to college and then I did end up getting my first boyfriend that February, and then I took his virginity. Isn't that sweet? And that's an entirely different story. That we will save for next time because that's college and boyfriend and dropout. And then moving in with strangers that I met on roommates.com and there's a lot more to come. This is only the beginning. So I guess we'll wrap that one up for today. thanks for stopping by and if nobody's told you lately, you are a lot, and I like it like that. Don't change. See you next Tuesday. Weirdos.