EP 11: "Hot Box of Sweat and Ass"

Hey Guys! Welcome to episode 11. It's a run down of the worst parts of the caribbean chapter. From lesions all over my face to my neighbor stealing all my stuff. Yep, even the strap-on. This one doesn't go through the ups and downs, just me, ranting about the downs. And laughing along the way. 

Come for the chaos. Stay for the "oh man, things aren't as bad as they could be. I could be her." 

Enjoy. And I'll see you next Tuesday. ;-)

Transcript

0:02

Hey guys, and welcome back to episode 11 of the Unhinged Ginge. Today we're gonna dive into, some of the worst parts about, my four month stretch in the Caribbean. I was gonna talk about Levi today, but, I just feel like that story deserves more attention that I did not have time to pay to it this week. So we are gonna instead talk about, the lesions on my face and, iguanas spraying shit at you from the trees the cistern water and my boss stole from me and. Someone stole all my shit, including my sex toys, It was an adventure. I have a list here that I made just to kind of keep me on track, but they are not in any type of chronological order. let's just get down to business Okay. So the first and the easiest thing, the most obvious would be like how expensive everything is. And of course everything is very expensive'cause everything has to be imported for the most part because, you know, it's a fucking island. So that kind of sucked. But the main problem with that was it made it really hard for me to be a vegetarian because I was broke, you know, the whole un homed on the beach. and then getting a job, was good. Thank God for Levi. Everything went really fast with that. I was so far behind and I was having Tamara send me money so that I could take care of some shit down there. But as soon as I got money, then I needed to send her some back there.'cause she was still taking care of my dog. I was a total cunt and just, and she said she got it and so I was just waiting for her to take care of her up there. the money was a bit of an issue, but the cost of living was obviously insanely high. So since that's the case, I wasn't able to stay a vegetarian very long because, even an avocado was like$8, but I could, get a whole chicken for two. So it was difficult to eat the way that I wanted to. So I started eating meat again, which did a number on my tummy. And you don't want anything to do a number on your tummy when? Nothing has ac definitely not my bar and definitely not anybody's place I was staying at. And definitely not on that boat that I slept on for 10 days and absolutely not on the ballot in, Frank Bay where I was sleeping. So since there was no ac having a fucked up tummy meant that trips to the bathroom were like fucking. They were awful. You wanted to get in and out of there so fast. You're covered in mosquitoes and it's just a hot box of sweat and ass. we're also living with, uh, the whole cistern thing for water. So rainwater. Being collected into a giant drum that you then use to flush your toilet and take a shower and all that good stuff. you don't wanna run out of water because when you do it is very expensive to then get water to refill your tank as opposed to having it just be rainwater like it's supposed to be. So. On that note, um, when you go to the bathroom, it's like, if it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down. But sometimes, you'd be really low on cistern water, so the mellow would last a very long time, and the smell is such a distinct smell. I still remember it. it's its own version of nasal hell. on top of that, God, we're fucking idiots. to keep it from smelling too bad. we put bleach in the toilet. of course we're mixing our piss with bleach, so that's bleach and ammonia, which is basically mustard gas. if I'm not mistaken, so, yeah, can't stay in there too long those fumes. Knock you right out. So that's, that's a delight. And, um, yo, speaking of the cistern water. So shower is really short. you gotta turn the water on. You get your body wet. Okay. Turn it off. So you're like, P 15 seconds. Bing, bing, boom. Get yourself wet then Lather up real fast while the water is off. You wanna get everything done. You wanna lather, shampoo, shave, everything with the water off. if you need to shave, get like a little cup so you can rinse your, your razor because you're not, definitely not doing it under the shower head. And then do the best you can getting everything clean, then turn the shower back on and just rapid rinse as fast as you can, no more than like a cumulative one to two minutes, especially when it's not rainy season you don't wanna do the disservice, to anybody letting you use their shower, by taking up all their water. So, bathing wasn't a thing, was in the ocean a lot for that. my parents were so sweet, they sent me a bunch of, Dr. Bronner's, bars of soap that were okay for the environment and all of that good stuff. I was just jumping off the boat into the ocean most of the time so that I could bathe and just washing my hair, my body with those eco-friendly soaps. So let's see what else with the cistern. Originally, I was under the impression'cause I took a shower at a friend's house and that friend, there's like these little guards that they put over top of the cistern hole so that, critters can't crawl in, but it can still collect a lot of rainwater, but you're not gonna get all the, the icky or like any dead animals in there except for when those don't stay on. And so I did take a shower in, what I was told was dead iguana water, like an iguana had fallen into the cistern and, I was under the impression that that gave me this really funky bacterial infection. Because I had, okay, so let's like rewind just a little bit.'cause tis the season, right? We're coming up on Halloween again. So when I got there, it was Halloween shortly thereafter, but I did not have a costume. I got that job at across the street, the boss guy was like, oh, I have this hot dog costume. So I wore this hot dog costume. They covered, you know, my whole body. And you just have the little cutout for your face. So I got heat rash, all over my face my face, my body, I was in pretty bad shape from wearing that fucking terrible costume and it being so goddamn hot. But I had heat rash and it itched and it scratch and I scratched it and I'd like make these little like micro cuts in my skin So then when I took a shower in this dead iguana, cistern water, I started getting, lesions all over my face and I was under the impression that it was from the dead iguana water. Well then, a couple of my friends also started getting these lesions on their face, and so I thought it was contagious. I had some weird shit and I'm just giving everybody scabs and I looked like a fucking leper.Since I'm a ginger, I would try to make jokes and say that I was a leper con because I was covered in face scabs and it was really hard I didn't want people to look at me but You can't not let people look at you when you're a fucking bartender. But, oh, that's also when I lost faith in men because I was still getting hit on. And that is fucking weird. That is weird. Guys. Come on. Literally fucking big ass scabs. I venture to say there obviously are no fucking pictures because I would not take any, there's a few pictures of me from the Caribbean at that time, and my hands, like over my face where I'm making like these weird poses or something just to cover up all the lesions on my face. But my face was, I'll double check with the gang, but I'd venture to say probably 40% scabs. One of my ears was. Completely scabbed. It was totally gross. I was like, man, this iguana water got me fucked up. Except it wasn't, it wasn't iguana water. No, no, no. I was doing so much cocaine and down there they were cutting it with something called like, um, love a Mele love. Lava Misal. Oh my God. Am I having a, I wanna throw up. I feel like I'm having a acetaminophen moment. Um, unacceptable. Ew. Um, I think it's lava misal. I don't know. Um, but it's an agent that they cut cocaine with. Look it up. And one of the side effects of that is making these scabs on your body. my nostrils were fully scab, my ears, my face. it started to get on the boys, Justin, who is a fan of having a clean shaven face, ended up growing a beard because he didn't wanna shave it because of the scabs. It was disgusting. It was fucking disgusting. since I didn't know that it was the cocaine and I thought it was the iguana water, I just kept on doing cocaine like every night, all like so many nights. there will be more of how much of that I was doing with Levi. it's a lot. I mean, it's not I'm Charlie Sheen or anything, but mean, it could, it'd, it'd put down a donkey. For sure enough cocaine to kill a donkey. And also with the iguana water, the iguanas, they fall out of the trees. So they also spray liquid shit. So you'd just be walking down the street P and you get shit on by a fucking iguana. It's okay though. I luckily didn't get clawed up by an iguana. Did get shit on. But you know, say Lavie has as it is. oh, we were also squatting and so when I left the sailboat, I was squatting in, This apartment with Tweedle d Tweedle, dumb, and Justin and sometimes Sierra. And so like, it, it was just a lot. There was four of us in a tiny, tiny room. each of us like, okay, so there were two twin mattresses. Tweedy and Tweedledum slept on one, and Justin and I slept on the other. The screens on the windows were ripped, the glass was busted, the bathroom was something out of a fucking horror film. And generally I'd be like, oh, don't worry about it guys. I'll clean it. Like, play Susie Homemaker. Absolutely not. I wasn't touching this. It was discu, dude. I can't even, I don't even know how to fuck it. This was like a, like a new fresh hell. I don't, it might've been a portal. a gateway to hell. Honestly. This bathroom was one of the most disgusting things, and I have seen a lot in my life. This is one of the most disgusting bathrooms I've ever been in my life. And the whole place was just like that. And by the whole place, I mean, it was a shared bathroom. We shared it with this absolute crazy person next door who I honestly never Met, but they broke in, not through the bathroom. Oh no. Through the front door. Kicked in the front door and went through my shit. Now keep in mind, I've got a carry-on bag and that's it for me. But then I'm with the boys who also have their luggage and they have way more luggage than I do. This motherfucker comes over, kicks our door down and steals half of my shit My sex toys. He stole half my clothes. And I'm like, what the fuck are you like, I don't understand. Why this man took my shit, left everybody else's shit. I was so pissed. I didn't even, bro, I couldn't even function. Went to Levi's after the fact, and then here comes tweedle dumb running up to Levi's place because Levi was just up the hill from Tweedle dumb. And he's like, dude, he's back. And I'm like, what? And he's like, bro, he's in the house right now. I'm like, why are you here? Why aren't you whooping his ass and getting my shit back? I'm like, I don't understand that at all. Like, he's there now. So I just take off running and I haul ass down there and I'm like, what's up? And he's now locked in his apartment. Come to find out it's the guy that we share the bathroom with. So he kicked down the door, took the rest of my shit, my money, everything Now I have absolutely nothing. So I'm like, all right, cool. So it's me, Levi, Justin. Chelsea Tweedle D and Tweedle dumb. We're all sitting outside waiting for the cops to show up and they aren't showing'cause they don't care like anywhere. Nowhere I've ever lived Has there been a good response time but that's okay.'cause I had the right people around me and I knew how to help my fucking self. So, I started banging on the door and I started losing my mind. I was so ready to burn it down with him inside of it, just to make him come out like, Hey bro, what's up? Molotov cocktail right through your window. I was so fed up at this point with everything. The only thing keeping me going besides my island family and cocaine and alcohol, the only thing keeping me going was. Rage, I guess I was just so angry all the time and I knew I had to get off that island, so I just needed to work. and I needed money. And I also at this point, needed murder. I was feeling very crazy and I was not in the mood. so that eventually took care of itself because it turns out our, drug dealer down there was, His supplier, was also selling drugs and they love me, they love me and they love Levi. So we let them know what happened. And you remember how I told you the sociopath on the boat, likely, got voted off the island or knew he was about to. So he left. Same thing. We let the right people know what was up with this motherfucker stealing all my shit, and I got my money back. And I got my clothes back and he was on a plane two days later, Obviously didn't want those sex toys anymore. Lord only knows what that man did with it. Hmm. What else is on this list of shit? Oh yeah. we were taking handfuls of Benadryl to fall asleep at night because it was way too hot. The bugs were everywhere. You had to sleep with a sheet over your head and your body. They had to tuck yourself in, with just like a top sheet so that you could keep the roaches and mosquitoes and other bugs off of you. so we would just eat hand and it's just so hot you could barely touch each other. even though I was sleeping next to this really sexy man every fucking night, it didn't even matter.'cause we could barely fucking touch each other. We'd rotate, since it was a twin sized bed. one person would sleep on their side while the other person slept like a vampire in a coffin. And then switch, So everyone had a side sleep a little, everyone got a little back sleep sucked. Handfuls of Benadryl handfuls. It was nice whenever we got the little break and we would go to Levi's and sleep because instead of it just being Justin and I on our twin size mattress, then we'd be Justin, Levi and I on his full size mattress, which felt the same but was better because he had like two oscillating fans in his room. Man, that shit was tits and we would all just take a bunch of Benadryl pass out. At least we had each other. Fuck me. Hmm. Let's see what else is in here. All right. Scabby face. I have, this is my list right now. Scabby face, squatting in. Hell, stole all my stuff twice. Ooh, Barracuda my butt. Your hoo-ha. I don't remember if I told you guys about this last time but we were going skinny, dipping. and Levi told me that I had to put on my bikini bottoms because my clit ring was definitely looking like a, a snack. To Barracuda and shit so couldn't go skinny dipping with everybody else'cause my platinum pussy might have gotten eaten by a rogue aquatic predator. Love that for me. Let's see. we worked all the time and I mean, all the time Levi and I were working seven days a week. It was insane. Some days we would be so fed up, we just wouldn't open the bar. Um,'cause fuck you. You can't do that. let's see. by the end of it, I was so haggard and so rough. So, yeah. All right. and we're done I've been redoing my house for fall, so, My brain is in cleaning mode I've been cleaning all day and I'm like, oh it's Monday. I need to record this'cause I need to release it by seven in the morning So I legit just speed wrote down a bunch of things that were annoying or that sucked. I'm not sure even if my delivery on this is. worth talking about. But if you have any questions, comments, or concerns about any of the shit that you heard in this episode, hit me up. DM me, shoot me a message, let me know. I'll answer any questions you have. Absolutely. It was a trying time, but it was quite hilarious. next week will be way more entertaining and way more funny because. It is not just me bitching. That island tried to kill me. Holy moly. That was the longest, like four months of my life. Woo. That shit was rough. All right, babies. Not gonna keep you along today. Oh, I say that and then I look down at my timer and this shit's 28 minutes. How the fuck has this been? 28 minutes. I'm gonna edit this down so that it's not too long.'cause that's crazy. Alright, my babies, next week Levi, we're dancing on the bar. We're doing, what are they called, We're baby burden shots. We're dancing on the bar. Levi tried to drown me chasing a guy dressed like a vagina down the street while dressed like a hot dog. Yeah. Phallic food race. That was fun. There's just stuff. There's stuff we did stuff. Let's talk about some fun stuff. Let's talk about all that good stuff. yep. Thanks for sticking with me. You guys are the best. And if nobody's told you lately, you don't have to like it just because it's paradise. to each his own. That's all I got. Love you guys. And I'll see you next Tuesday.